Post-Menopausal Angst: Has My Sex Life Ended?

No, no, no, we’re not retreating now! We were the bold settlers of the new sexual frontier. Many of us threw off our clothing along with the should-nots our parents and society tried to instill in us, while the world watched. Now we have a new frontier to explore: sexual vitality after age sixty, seventy, and why not eighty? Let’s set up camp and work out solutions—as we women have always done so successfully.

We’re offended by outdated stereotypes of asexual older women, and we’re not going to hide behind them at this time of our lives. Specifically, we’re not going to roll over and play dead when our private parts are concerned. Admittedly, there are problems with sex after menopause, but we can adjust to our post-menopausal changes without losing our sexy zest.

We’re bombarded with media messages that older sex is unseemly, embarrassing, pathetic, ludicrous, and altogether icky. If television and movies allude to older people having sex at all (which they usually don’t), the audience is invited to shudder, laugh, or bolt. We seldom see older people celebrating their sexuality.

Maybe, just maybe, as Boomers slide into their redefinition of older-age sexuality, our culture’s attitudes will change. We’ve made a difference in just about every other societal stereotype we’ve butted up against so far, why stop now?

Sexuality is Not Age-Bound

Our bodies might be aging, but great sex isn’t just about body parts. When we’ve got wisdom, connection, logistics, time, intimacy, a sense of humor, ease of communication, resilience of body and spirit, and no kids barging in, who needs youth?

Sexual response is in our brains more than our genitals. We can have the best sex of our lives at our age, largely because we know ourselves deeply by now. We know who we are and what we want both in and out of bed. We understand intimacy and what we want in a sex partner and a life partner.

Slow Burn

We've learned how to slow down sex, make it sensual and languorous as well as hot and passionate. I've learned to practice slow sex out of necessity--my arousal time is much slower than it used to be. I need much more warm-up, more touching all over before we get to my hot spots. Sometimes it feels like the sensation recedes out of reach, like watching ocean waves in the distance through a smudged window. I remember what it feels like, but the sensation is blurred, muffled. In my thirties, I'd jump out of my skin at the hot fire of an intimate touch. Now it's a slow, sensuous warmth, gradually spreading. Sex feels less localized, more whole body.

When Robert and I fell in love, I was surprised, embarrassed, and disoriented by the changes in my physical responses. After one lengthy session, I apologized that I had taken so long. Silly me, I thought he must have been bored. He looked at me with that are-you-out-of-your-mind look and said, "I don't care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions and get something to eat."

Fringe Benefits

"I want to buy you something," Robert tells me. We head for Victoria's Secret, where he picks out a few garments for me to try on. Although no one else in the store looks over twenty-two, no one seems to think it odd that an over-sixty couple is picking out sexy underwear together.

I try on several garments--some silky, some lacy. Not quite right. Then I don a black outfit consisting mostly of fringe.

"Oh, baby!" Robert says when I open the door and shake my fringe. Decision made. We race for home to take the fringe for a test ride.

***

Excerpts from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty used by permission of Seal Press, an Imprint of Avalon Publishing Group. Text copyright 2005 by Joan Price. All rights reserved.